Pure O OCD Recovery

How I recovered from OCD

(written December 2019)

Disclaimer: I'm not a qualified medical professional. The following is just what I learned from first-hand experience and private studying.

Words can't describe how horrendous the feelings were that I experienced battling severe OCD, in particular "Pure O" OCD (obsessions with internal compulsions instead of observable compulsions). Massive amounts of fear, guilt, disgust and confusion just to name some of the emotions. I experienced all the common pure o themes people struggle with such as harming others, harming myself, sexual orientation, health worries, upsetting God, worrying I was a pedophile, relationship worries, plus a whole heap of other themes my imagination would come up with. But through persistence and developing an aggressive, risk taking attitude, I managed to recover.

Once you develop a risk taking attitude, and let all the thoughts and feelings do their worst, you begin to see that it was all self cultivated and you can reverse the horrible experiences with a change of attitude.

Pure O OCD has the same mechanics at work as other so called "ocd types". Most people, including myself had an overlap of other "types" of OCD. Basically, ocd is ocd whether the compulsions are observable or mental. People want 100% certainty that their fears aren't real and are trying to control the uncontrollable. Letting go and accepting uncertainty is not an overnight journey. But gradually you can develop such a mentality, which also helps you in various areas of life.

FINDING THE RIGHT RECOVERY PATH

From 2001-2009 I suffered from Pure-O OCD. Much of that period was at a severe level. I was struggling all day every day. As a result of my struggles, I was also depressed for much of it. I had been to psychologists and psychiatrists, took myself to local doctors numerous times, had visits to the ER unit at hospital, had CAT (crisis assessment team) staff do house visits, and tried various medications, all with no real positive results. It had also been suggested that I check myself into a clinic/hospital, but I decided against that.

For the first few years, I had no idea I was experiencing Pure-O OCD. It wasn't until I stumbled across a website which talked about everything I had been going through that I realized what was going on. That website (ocdonline.com) gave me answers I had been desperately searching for to explain what I had been experiencing for 3 years non-stop every day.

So I began to read everything on that website. I also began to search other websites and online articles to learn more about Pure-O. I bought books and began to read as much as I could to help educate myself on what I needed to do to recover.

Little did I know at the time how difficult it would be putting that knowledge into practice. It's one thing to know what to do, it's another thing to do it.

PUTTING INTO PRACTICE WHAT I'D LEARNT

Having spent years responding to my unwanted thoughts in detrimental ways, I was now learning the correct methods to respond. I had experienced every theme imaginable and was desperate to end the distress. What I wasn't prepared for was just how exhausting it would be to recover.

To face ones fears and put yourself in uncomfortable positions takes significant amounts of energy. It became very frustrating knowing that I was responding to thoughts in the correct manner, yet all I seemed to get out of it was exhaustion. But behind the exhaustion I started to see that I was making progress.

But I need to emphasize just how important it is to develop an aggressive risk taking attitude towards dealing with your fears. I found I needed to be willing as much as possible to accept the possibility that my fears may happen. Not responding with reassurance and instead doing the opposite will cause incredible amounts of discomfort. But the more discomfort you can tolerate, the better off you will be long term. I needed to go deep into horrible thoughts and allow myself to experience them, allowing for them to possibility become reality, and to experience as much of the discomfort that comes with doing so. In time though, that discomfort decreases the more you face your fears. It's like stepping into freezing water. At first it is really uncomfortable, but your body gradually gets used to it.

One of the most valuable lessons I learnt from my readings was that as you begin to respond properly to unwanted thoughts, you begin to ruminate less, however you actually get an increase in the amount of unwanted thoughts. Previously, I would get an unwanted thought and then think about it for minutes or hours each day. However, as you begin to recover, you get more and more unwanted thoughts but spend less time ruminating about each one. Our brains are resistant to change. So if you show your brain that you aren't going to get caught up ruminating about a particular thought, your brain throws up other unwanted thoughts until your brain eventually sees that you aren't going to respond to any unwanted thoughts. As you continue to spend less time on each thought, it decreases their strength, and in the long run they gradually lose strength and fade away.

I also experienced unwanted images and impulses. The images were horrible in nature and I wanted to get rid of them as soon as they entered my mind. And the impulses made me feel like they were a split second away from them happening. But with the same proper therapeutic techniques used for unwanted thoughts, these too can go away.

Prior to learning about proper ways to respond to the unwanted thoughts, I had spent years responding to my thoughts with lots of reassurance. I would try desperately to convince myself what I feared wouldn't come true. However, reassurance only provides temporary relief. I would always find a loophole in the reassurance I received either from myself or others. So in x amount of time I began to start doubting the reassurance, and I would go around in a never ending cycle of doubt and reassurance. Not only does reassurance only provide a temporary relief, it actually makes the thoughts come back stronger down the line.

Once I learnt that reassurance had been making things worse for me, and that there were instead correct therapeutic methods to use, I began to put them into practice.

THERAPEUTIC RESPONSES

The main techniques I used to recover were :

1) responding in a manner which left ambiguity. Eg: If I had a thought about stabbing someone, I would respond "maybe I will". This won't magically make you instantly overcome your fear. Sometimes I would repeat "maybe I will" to more unwanted thoughts that might intrude soon after. Whilst other times I would use some of the other techniques listed below to intrusive thoughts that would appear after saying "maybe I will". (The reason more appear is because you haven't fully meant "maybe I will.")

2) exaggerating the thoughts. Eg: If I had a thought of stabbing someone, I would say " yeah I probably will. I'll probably do it multiple times and then stab someone else."

3) allowing the unwanted thoughts to come and go through my mind without responding. You observe them coming in to your mind and then don't engage with them so they can leave. Let them be there for as long as they will. The idea is not try to stop unwanted thoughts entering your mind. Showing your brain that you aren't bothered by them appearing will mean they begin to stop returning long term.

4) seeking out the unwanted thoughts. Deliberately bringing up the thoughts and trying to keep them in my mind.

Exposure Response & Prevention (ERP) is the gold standard treatment for OCD.

I did lots of imaginal exposure (bringing up and picturing my fears in my mind) at various times of the day. Many will, butI didn't arrange a structured hierarchy.

I didn't have a set routine for which technique I would use when. In the early stages I would get caught up wondering whether I should stop what I'm doing and deal with an intrusive thought, or whether to carry on doing what I was doing and not let it interfere with that . As I got more experienced, I realized that I could choose to do either option, and if I got an intrusive thought that I was making the wrong decision, then I took the chance I could be. So I just used any technique at any time on any intrusive thought.

Some people may be fortunate to have a good therapist who can guide them on the right path to recovery. However, a therapist can only guide you, and ultimately it is up to you to put the techniques into practice.

DEVELOPING THE RIGHT ATTITUDE

At the beginning, you are likely going to only halfheartedly accept the possibility of your fears. That's understandable. They are horrible in nature. However, if you are like me, you build up to a stage where you are utterly fed up with living the same horrendous day to day life of anxiety, guilt etc. And so you start to increasingly be willing to accept the possibility of your fears, and as you do, you subsequently spend less time on each one. And in turn they begin to slowly lose their strength. I got inspiration to develop an aggressive care free attitude for my Pure O OCD by a man named Jeff at his website panic.end. He overcame his battle with panic disorder by allowing himself to experience immense discomfort and a willingness for his worst fears to come true.

A tricky part of recovery from pure o ocd is when you start to become increasingly desensitized to the unwanted thoughts. Previously, you would use your body's heightened anxious reactions to unwanted thoughts as reassurance that they are against your nature & not who you are etc. So when you begin to no longer react as anxiously, your mind can start to worry that perhaps it's a sign that you are what you fear. It takes time and practice, but the key is to not worry about how your body is responding, and to just continue with what you want to be doing.

Ultimately, learning to live with uncertainty is what is needed to properly recover. Our imagination is limitless, so any attempts at reassurance are futile because you leave yourself open to a "but what if....?" response. Even if something is 99.99% unlikely to happen. You will focus on the .01% and spiral into an obsession about that.

I also had to rid myself of guilt and teach myself I couldn't be held responsible for the things I used to feel guilt over. I had to stop trying to act perfect (Google "Unconditional Self Acceptance" to learn more about how to accept yourself as an imperfect person.)

Whilst recovering, I also decided to stop labeling myself as having Pure O OCD. I would instead say I was behaving in an obsessive compulsive manner. The former made it sound like I would be suffering with this thing for entirety of my life.

I also realized that apart from just changing my responses to intrusive thoughts, I needed to help myself by adjusting my lifestyle so I could have as much energy as possible to tackle recovery. I stopped rushing around at 100 miles an hour every day. If I was rushing something, I decided it wasn't worth rushing and was instead a sign that it wasn't the right time for doing whatever I was trying to do. I also learnt to say no to people's requests. Too often in the past I wanted to say no to requests, but instead would say yes so as not to upset them.

Over the next several years from when I started responding to my thoughts properly, I began to slowly see increasing hope that I would be able to begin living a life I wanted to live and not be dictated by the intrusive thoughts, images and impulses. I also began to actually see some positives in having gone through what I had. My struggles allowed me to have the gift of perspective. Other challenges in life no longer seemed that challenging compared to what I had gone through to get to where I was. And trivial matters no longer caused me to get upset like I used to.

RECOVERY

So after several years of chipping away at my intrusive thoughts, images and impulses, I could finally live the life I wanted to and not be bothered by unwanted thoughts, images or impulses. If I got the occasional unwanted thought, they disappeared soon after because I wasn't scared of them.

Recovery was like a roller coaster ride. Often 2 steps forward 1 step backwards is what it felt like. Although, it could also feel like 2 steps forward 1.9 steps backwards at times. Everybody has different levels of severity . So comparing how long it took others to recover I felt was not helpful.

Once I recovered, I wanted to help others who were going through the same challenges I had. I had never been on an online OCD support forum, but I joined one and began to help answer questions and offer encouragement to others. I did this for several years.

After that, I went through a period where I hardly ever talked about or read about anything related to Pure O OCD. It felt good to no longer be defined as the guy who had anxiety problems like it used to be the case. I mostly chose not to discuss Pure O OCD with people I met in my life post recovery, as it is really difficult trying to explain to people what pure o ocd is about. I had tried explaining it to medical professionals over the years, and could tell that some of them had no idea what I was talking about. So I didn't want to spend time caught up in complicated and confusing conversations with non specialists.

However, I also think it's really important to help others struggling with Pure O OCD and pass on what I've learned. Hopefully, this article has given you encouragement to persist with your recovery and to see that it's possible to recover. Recovery doesn't mean you will never get an unwanted thought (I'm pretty sure everyone in society gets them). It just means they come and go in a matter of seconds and you carry on enjoying life. I've come out of it a new and improved person. Recovery was super hard. But so incredibly worth it.

John.